AND THEY SAID...

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me." 
     --Bobcat Goldthwait 

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. 
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run
to my  sister's house and ask her for money." 
     --Kevin Meaney 

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? 
Do tall people burn slower?" 
     --Warren Hutcherson 

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three." 
     --Elayne Boosler 

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?" 
     --John Mendoza 

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a 
second." 
  --Steven Wright 

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp." 
     --Bob Ettinger 

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 
Duh." 
     --Conan O'Brien 

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin." 
     --Winston Spear 

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think 
that's how dogs spend their lives." 
     --Sue Murphy 

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." 
     --Ron Richards 

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else." 
     --Lily Tomlin 

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population." 
    --David Letterman 

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is
still far away." 
    --Billiam Coronell 

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." 
     --Rita Rudner 

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific." 
     --Lily Tomlin 

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a
weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's
go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back
off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" 
     --Jerry Seinfeld 

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it." 
     --Steven Wright 

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold
them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too
high!' " 
     --Bruce Baum 

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I
don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was
herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me,
me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' 
Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" 
     --Garry Shandling 

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " 
     --Richard Jeni 

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." 
     --Paul Rodriguez 

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner." 
     --Lynda Montgomery