A NIGHT OUT

     Cross my heart this happened to this who guy lives in
Westchester, NY, and goes to school at Ithaca College. 

     For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is
also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date,
but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the
summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to
ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for
Saturday night. 

     Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and
drinks like Prohibition is coming back ... Saturday, he is in
such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes
without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several
hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still
running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to
cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to
her again. 

     So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York
City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and
he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the
bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. 

     During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't
want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a
bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly
right there at the table (discreetly, of course). 

     Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little
surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). 

     Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero
immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting
on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of
dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants
(a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. 

     He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is now walking like a cowboy. 

     On the way to the train station, they pass the ‘Gap’. "Do you
mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?"
he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. 

     Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right,
women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs
the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit,
he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still
on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see
him buying the pants. 

     He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched
teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just 
the pants." 
     "What?" asks the Gap girl. 
     "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) 
     Gap girl: "Oh, OK." 

     He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they
leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle of the car. 

     Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to
the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom
as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer
shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them both out of
the window. 

     After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out
... just the sweater.