THINGS WOMEN HAVE SAID: 

     I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
     I'm not  dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
     Dolly Parton 

     You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
     ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
     Erica Jong 

     I want to have children, but my friends scare me.  One of my
     friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.  I don't even
     want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
     Rita Rudner 

     I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've
     done  my job.
     Roseanne 

     My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a         
     child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
     Rita Rudner

     I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback     
     riding.  That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. 
     Susie Loucks 

     This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross
     between a  macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, 
     a gay trucker?"
     Judy Tenuta 

     He tricked me into marrying him.  He told me he was pregnant 
     Carol Leifer 

     I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. 
     Wendy Liebman 

     Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 
     Erma Bombeck 

     If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. 
     Sue Grafton 

     I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. 
     Roseanne 

     I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't.  So I
     grew  hair under my arms instead.
     Sue Kolinsky 

     I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live
     next  door to an amusement park.
     Dolly Parton
 
     I think -- therefore I'm single.
     Lizz Winstead 

     "Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand
     still and  look stupid."
     Hedy Lamarr 

     "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. 
     Men  invade another country."
     Elayne Boosler 

     "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."   
     Gilda Radner 

     "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
     Maryon Pearson 

     "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get
     appointed  as an assistant professor.  It is for a woman
     schlemiel to get as  quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
     Bella Abzug 

     "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
     want  anything done, ask a woman." 
     Margaret Thatcher 

     "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably
     choose  Catholicism because it at least has female saints
     and the Virgin  Mary."
     Margaret Atwood 

     "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
     marriage  and a career."
     Gloria Steinhem 

     "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."   
     Gloria  Steinhem 

     Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each  other.
     Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and  then."
     Katharine Hepburn 

     "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
     at  home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
     I have a dog which  growls every morning, a parrot which swears
     all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
     Marie Corelli 

     "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."   
     Baroness Edith Summerskill 

     "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
     How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
     around your neck?"
     Linda Ellerbee 

     "I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I
     keep his  house."
     Zsa Zsa Gabor